March 31st lunchbox

THE FULL STORY of John Leslie and his buddy Rhodri Williams

2008: Seismologists tell the Japanese Government that Tokyo will be destroyed by a massive earthquake in 2050.

So it decides to build a Toyko 2, but not in Japan. Every country in the world enters the race to win the Toyko 2 bid, which will be worth £1,0000bn to the winner,
The UK's bid is headed by former Blue Peter star and sex addict John Leslie, supported by Sky presenter and good friend Rhodri Williams.

The Tokyo 2 bid team arrive at Heathrow Airport hoping to be met by John Leslie and Rhodri Williams. However, the intrepid duo are still partying hard in a West End nightclub... although the cleaners are threatening to call the cops if they are not out in 10 mins (well it is 11am in the morning after all).

John, dancing impressively with his shirt off in the middle of the empty dance floor, shouts across to Rhodri who is slumped over the bar.

"Bloody hell Rhodri I just remembered we got that Tokyo 2 gig today."
Rhodri raises his weary head and gives a beaming smile for his great buddy, "

Yeah John what a capital idea, let's have another bottle of Bollinger."

6pm and the intrepid duo are on their 10th bottle of bollinger. Minutes later they emerge from their mammoth afternoon pub-crawl and start giggling hysterically at the sight of London commuters making their way home.

Supporting each other they stagger down Oxford Street singing at the tops of their voices, what appears to Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen. "Galileo, Galileo!"
Their singing is interrupted by John’s mobile phone going off. Hang on Rod let me answer this, it could Betty calling about tonight's party.

He screams down his mobile, "What's up Betty?""John what planet are you on this is not Betty but the Prime Minister," came the disaproving voice down the phone.
The PM added angrily, "You have got a lot of explaining to do John."I've got the Tokyo 2 delegation here at No 10 and they are absolutely furious. Not only did you not meet them this morning at the airport, they had to make their own way here and one had his digital camera stolen on the underground."

John smiles and lights up a fag before replying, "Oh yeah Tokyo 2, I was meaning to ring you about that Prime Minister."

John I don't want any of your half-baked explanations, just get your arses over here now, but I am warning you the chances of us getting Tokyo 2 after your disgraceful performance is almost zero."

The Prime Minister slammed down the phone in his private offce and returned tothe concerned looking Japanese delegation in the cabinet room of No 10."
I don't know traffic is so bad in London these days, a bit like Tokyo no doubt," said the Prime Minister unconvincingly."

Anyway John and Rhodri should be here any minute to present our bid... anyone else for tea."Back in Oxford St and Rhodri has collapsed in the entrance to HarveyNichols.John kicks him firmly up the backside. "

Come on Rhodri old son we got a bit a business to attend to."

Two hours later, having enjoyed a happy hour at the White Powder Arms, the intrepid duo finally manage to make it to Downing St.
Looking out from behind the curtains at No 10 the Prime Minister hurries back to the Japanese Toyko 2 team.
“Ladies and gentlemen Rhodri and John are here. I know you have a flight to catch this evening, but can I assure you their presentation will be short and precise.

Outside No 10 Rhodri collapses again as the world’s press look on in horror.
Inside and they are shown into the cabinet room, where a big plasma screen has the sentence UK’s Tokyo 2 bid, presented by Rhodri Williams and John Leslie emblazoned across it.

The Japanese delegation, sitting around the cabinet table with the Prime Minister at the top, giggle in an engaging only Oriental sort of way, as Rhodri falls flat on his face on the floor and is violently sick.

“Don’t worry about Rhodri he will be fine down there, leave this Beijing 2 gig to me,” said John as he stepped over his buddy face down and now unconscious on the floor.

“John I think you mean Tokyo 2,” interjected the Prime Minister nervously.
“Whatever, they are all the same,” replied John who to the horror of the PM put two fingers above his eyes and lifts them Oriental style.

Now before I begin does anyone want to try my mother’s famous Scottish Loch Ness Monster broth?”
The delegation is intrigued as they continue to takes pictures of Rhodri on the floor.
Head of the delegation Hiro Iwaka replied, “Oh yeah we would love to try your Loch Ness Monster broth.”

The Prime Minister looking like he could pass out at any moment, finally thinks on his feet and gets the chef at No 10 to bring in 10 bowls of Loch Ness Monster broth.
The soup arrives and John stands up to take a bag containing white powder out of his pocket.

“Ladies and gentlemen this is the finest broth in the world, but you need to add just a teaspoon of my mother’s special ingredient.”
He sprinkles at least five teaspoons of the powder into his bowl and passes it around the table.

Within 10 minute the delegation are all laughing hysterically, but things soon start getting out of hand
Mr Iwaka jumps on top of the cabinet table and with the Prime Minister’s spoon starts singing at the top of his voice. “I love the US, even thought they bombed us to hell. I love the US even though they nuked us away!!”

His colleagues join him as they start kicking the plates and cutlery off the table.
They then trash the room, leaving a scene of complete carnage


Security is called and the delegation members are all physically restrained and taken down into the basement of No 10

Four hours later and the shamed looking delegation regain their senses. With his head bowed Mr Iwaka is allowed back into the cabinet room, to find the Prime Minister sitting at the head of the table, with John to his left sipping his 18th glass of port. Rhodri is still faced down on the floor

Mr Prime Minister and Mr John Leslie we are so ashamed for our actions we have dishonoured you and your country and that of Japan,” said Mr Iwaka.
I cannot explain why we all went crazy after having Mr Leslie’s special mother ingredient for the broth.
“I have spoken to the other delegates and we have decided that the only way we can repay you for our disgraceful behaviour is to give the Toyko 2 to the UK.”

POSTSCRIPT: Two weeks later John and Rhodri are supposed to be knighted, but they don't show up at Buckingham Palace.


NO WALK TO WORK TODAY AS I AM OFF.

Have a great and memorable weekend !